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Protecting your marriage from social media

Family-social-media

TOLUWANI ENIOLA writes about the best ways to keep marriages away from social media

The advent of social media has changed the way people live, interact and work. Several relationships and business initiatives have benefited immensely from social media.

Some met their spouses via social media while others make huge profits on their business using it.  Notwithstanding the merits of social media, it has its drawbacks, especially on marriages.

The Oxford dictionary defines the social media as “websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or to participate in social networking.”

The applications include Instagram, Twitter, SnapChat, Viber, YouTube, Facebook and WhatsApp.

Several reports have shown how social media is tearing marriages apart owing to the way people abuse it.

For instance, a survey by a UK-based firm, DivorceOnline, identified Facebook as being responsible for one-third of divorce cases filed on the website in recent years.

Also, over 80 per cent of US divorce attorneys linked cases of divorce to social media, according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

While there are no official statistics on how social media is affecting marriages in Nigeria, there have been many stories of love gone sour arising from social media influences.

Last month, a 45-year-old marketer, Samsideen Apanisile, sought the dissolution of his 14 years’ marriage to his wife, Basirat, at an Ikorodu Customary Court in Lagos State.

Apanisile accused his wife of allegedly communicating with her ex-lover on Facebook.

He told the court to dissolve the union over a claim that his wife was communicating with the man.

“My wife fornicates. Apart from that, she is very disrespectful to me and my family. I have a proof of her communication with men on Facebook. I have a print-out of her conversation from her Facebook inbox.

“I am fed up with the union. I can no longer live with an adulterous wife. An adulterous wife can kill her husband, please separate us,” he told the court.

Some crashed celebrity marriages have also been linked to social media. This may be one of the reasons Nollywood actress, Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde, advised Singer Bankole Wellington, aka Banky-W, and his wife, Adesua, to stay off social media.

Celebrity marriages are not the only ones at risk of social media. In 2010, when a mother of five identified only as Mrs. Nwosu, had a quarrel with her husband, they parted ways.

Nwosu’s elder brother, Kenneth, was surprised to see a lewd post made by his sister’s husband on Facebook about their personal affairs.

Kenneth told SUNDAY PUNCH that he was surprised that his sister’s husband would go to the extent of posting personal matters about his marriage on Facebook, thereby exposing his marriage to ridicule.

He said, “I was surprised when I saw my sister’s husband’s post on Facebook. I never knew a mature father of five children would go to the extent of posting such comments on Facebook. His comments would later make reconciliation impossible. Personally, I think the social media has ruined many marriages.

“Couples should understand that taking personal matters to social media won’t solve their problems. Rather, it would aggravate it.”

A marriage counsellor, Mrs. Mary Boye, told our correspondent how social media poses threats to marriages.

Boye said, “Couples make patterned mistakes on social media such as throwing shade at their partners and revealing details about their relationships.’’

The counsellor said some men and women directly or indirectly reveal ongoings in their marriages through social media platforms.

She added, “They may not mention the name of their spouses in the post. For instance, a woman who just had a disagreement with her husband could post, ‘Some men, the way they just talk or behave.’  This is a patterned mistake because they are sending the messages to those who may not understand but their spouses can read meanings to such comments.

“There was a case last year of a lady who came on social media to talk about her marriage. Those that knew her understood that she was talking about her husband. It is an act of foolishness when you have issues with your spouse and you take it to public space.

“Even if you have issues with your partner, I don’t think you should make your disagreement a public affair. The partner wants the issues to be settled but posting on social media may attract responses which can’t bring solutions.”

Boye also attributed some marital problems to the way couples pick information on social media.

According to her, not everyone who has a large social media followership is in a best position to give marital advice. She advised couples to scrutinise what they consume on the platforms.

Boye added, “Marriage is about trust. I always emphasise trust in marriage. If you are courting someone and there is no trust there, do not even go ahead to marry the person.

“The moment a person begins to hide things such as passwords of their social media accounts from their partners, there is a problem. Why should a man or woman hide their passwords from their spouses if they don’t have hidden agenda?  I can access my husband’s phone and he can access mine.”

A parent, Mrs. Oluwatosin Adetayo, corroborated Boye’s views. She said aside from other wrong uses, social media seems to be ‘stealing’ the precious time meant for couples to build a strong relationship.

Adetayo says marriage demands intimacy, adding that couples should not deny their partners attention by spending unnecessary time on social media.

She stated, “Be honest with one another. Don’t hide anything from your spouse, including your password or phone. For me, this is the most important.

“Reach an agreement on when to use social media. Try to do away with your phones during dinner time together, especially when you already have children. Be disciplined.’’

Adetayo stated that couples should be free to ask questions if they feel their partners are having a long conversation with an old boy or girlfriend or spending more time on social media.

“You also need to be disciplined on the social media sites you visit, because there are many that can damage you as well as your relationship. Always remember that God is watching even when your spouse is not there,” she added.

Famous quote

Talk to your partner and stop letting inboxes, likes, retweets ruin what you’re trying to build — American author, Tony Gaskins Jr.

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